It’s been a few months since I’ve posted anything and as you can imagine from the title of this blog, my life has been anything but stable (in my perception, that is). My mom passed away, and I allowed myself to get swept up in a whirlwind of emotion and introspection. Although it wasn’t a bad thing, it left me feeling very emotionally out of balance.
It’s been a very good thing, and today for the first time I was able to understand why. Almost all my life, I’ve hated instability. I’ve worked hard to create order and balance in every area of my life. I’ve become almost obsessive in doing that. A few weeks ago an angel reader helped me to see what might have led to my near OCD tendencies. She told me that something happened when I was about 12 years old and that from that point on, I closed up a part of myself. She described it as a hard shell around the feminine, intuitive, vulnerable part of me. I knew that to be true; I could feel it. But I didn’t know what had happened at that age. I had no memory of anything traumatic. I have since learned that it was a series of upsetting events that, all combined, had the same impact as a major event would have.
My grandmother’s parents both died suddenly when she was 12 years old and I remember her telling me one day that my parents wouldn’t always be around. That was the beginning of many fears that stayed with me and controlled my life for two decades. Around the same time, our church played the movie, A Thief in the night. It was about the rapture and people being left behind. Anyway, it literally scared the hell out of me and I remember repenting numerous times after that and then trying to be the best Christian I could be. My other grandmother passed away suddenly of a heart attack when I was 12. It was my first experience with death and funerals and no one took the time to talk to me or explain anything. It was very upsetting.
There may have been other experiences in the same time period that added to my trauma but those were the ones that came to mind and obviously enough to negatively impact my life and cause me to build a wall around that vulnerable part of me. But now that I know that, I am trying to re-connect with the child I was then and have had some very productive interactions.
But that’s not what I’m really writing about today. Those incidents may have layed the foundation for my fears and insecurities and may be the reason I work so hard to attain order and stability in my life, but those OCD tendencies haven’t served me well. I’ve known that for a while now, but today I got some incredible insight that may just help me to move past this. As most of you know Abraham-Hicks is my favorite teacher and it was an Abe CD that shone the light on this subject for me today.
The guy in the hot seat was telling Abraham about being laid off. He wanted to know if he should alter the way he played the prosperity game (one of Abraham’s processes for wellbeing) in light of that. Their answer, as always, was brilliant. They described him (and could have been describing me) as one who was independent and creative and liked to create his own reality. But he was so ‘by the book’ in his approach to this game and all the other process he was using to try and attain well-being that they weren’t serving him. He was working so hard at creating his well-being in a planned out, orderly way. He was trying to create stability in order to allow well-being, but he was actually creating resistance to the things he wanted instead.
Abe told him that being laid off had done more to positively affect his vibration than all the processes he’d been using. They said that instability is a good thing. NOW THAT’S WHERE I REALLY STARTED PAYING ATTENTION.
AND HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED: Sometimes stability can play out as a rigid, static, unchanging set of circumstances set up to protect us and keep us from fear and insecurity and possible heartache. We’re taught that stability is a good thing, a necessary thing, but the universe isn’t exactly set up that way. We live in a time/space reality (a vibrational Universe) that is ever moving, ever changing, ever becoming. Trying to create stability in that environment is counterproductive! We have to go with the flow.
I thought of a perfect analogy: I’m not a water person. I never learned to overcome my fears enough to swim, so I won’t go in water deeper than my chest, and I need to feel the solid surface of the pool or smooth sand of the lake or ocean bottom to feel confident. I do like waterslides, however. But I realized that the way I act on the waterslide is very telling of the way I live my life. I always sit up, eyes open, and I use my hands to control the speed (ie: slow myself down) as I go down the slide. I actually create resistance! I’ve never once just laid back and let the water carry me down the slide.
That’s how I live my life? Wow, that doesn’t sound very exciting. Pretty boring, in fact. So how do I embrace the instability? How do I see it as a good thing?
The problem is not that stability is a bad thing. The problem lies in where I’m looking for stability. I’m looking for it in the wrong place. I can have stability in my life, but I’ll never find it in the shifting, changing reality that is my current life. Abe teaches that we are constantly creating our reality by the thoughts we’re thinking, by the vibration we’re giving off. I’m creating a virtual reality that, although I can’t see or touch or hold or hear or smell it— YET—it is very real. And my Inner Being, my Higher Self is there living that reality, enjoying that reality. By connecting with my Higher Self, I become one with who I really am and trust the unfolding process. Abraham calls that place the Vortex. Getting into the Vortex is the same as alignment, it’s connection, it’s faith. It’s wanting more than anything to feel good. It’s taking care of myself.
Trying to find stability outside the Vortex is an exercise in frustration. Trying to control the circumstances, to make everything safe and secure, so that my life will have stability is futile. I’m just creating resistance. The things I want can’t come to me when I’m holding on so tight to stability.
Instead I want to embrace the instability of my current reality. Because it’s unstable, it can move, it can change, it can become all I want it to be. The shifting ground I’m standing on is the perfect platform for creation, but it doesn’t help to watch the process. Instead of looking at the ground beneath my feet, I want to keep my focus on my Vortex. I want to look at what’s becoming, not what’s fading fast.
Everything I’ve ever wanted is waiting for me in the Vortex of Creation, but I have to become a cooperative component to receive it. I have to let go of this tight hold I have on ‘what is.’ Today I learned that I can do that by embracing the instability rather than fighting it.